Can I do this? Imposter Syndrome in Racing and Dating

There are few moments I can recall as clearly as when I realized I was creating my own limitations.

Let me share with you a frustrating example from my attempt to qualify for the Boston Marathon. It was September, the week before registration opens for one of the most sought-after races, the Boston Marathon. Training had gone well with over 6 months of solid running and 5 months of strength training. Workouts were pretty consistent, and despite Summer heat, times for mile repeats were in a good spot to indicate the right level of fitness to hit the needed time goal. No body aches, and rest had been successfully prioritized as had nutrition. There were no red flags. As race day approached, weather was favorably forecasted in the 40s and no precipitation expected. The race selected was a loop designed for speed and to help runners qualify. Everything was stacking up nicely.

So, why did I feel so unsure about my ability to make my time goal?

Well, for one, it would be a PR (if you think about it, I bet most Boston-Qualifying races are PRs though, aren't they? It's a new goal you're trying to achieve, and therefore it likely represents a personal record.), and for another, I was having a rough year. My confidence was shaken personally, and despite all the evidence that I was physically ready, the negatively was impacting my confidence to race.

Friends and family reassured me 'I know you'll qualify!' but of course, they don't have any idea what it takes to run at a high level of intensity for hours at a time, so while these sentiments were nice, they didn't hold the impact intended for me. "I just don't know; it's really fast" I said in response when my runner friends reassured me.

During the shakeout run the night before the race, the race director shared with us that if we planned to get in to Boston, he had heard that we would need to be more than 6 minutes faster than the qualifying time for our age groups. SIX MINUTES! That's an entirely different training plan, I thought. How can we just change our goal the night before the race after training to a different goal for MONTHS?

'Run with your pace group until about the halfway point, but then you want to break free and aim to be 20 or so seconds faster per mile to give yourselves a shot' they continued.

Wow, I thought. I already had doubts that I could make the time at all, and now we have to aim for at least SIX MINUTES faster? This is nuts.

The pace group ran smoothly. The pacers were positive and reassuring. The pace felt...easy? Too easy...but I had doubts in my ability to understand the impact of my body for the second half of the race, so I stayed until the halfway point, and then some...and then, I couldn't take it anymore. On the heels of the pacers for about 15 miles, I broke out and sped up. I didn't look at my watch much for pacing. By then, my body knew what it needed to do. I negative split by several minutes, coming in nearly 7 minutes faster than my age group time goal, just as instructed.

A few weeks later, my Boston Registration was cut by a mere 10 seconds. Though I had been faster than the qualification -- and faster by over 6 minutes -- the group of registrants overall were faster too. Recalling how easy those first 15 miles were, I was crestfallen. I had way more than 10 seconds of margin left in me. Had I believed that I could go harder for longer, I wouldn't have been cut. But, I hadn't believed it was possible, so I did exactly what I thought I had to, and no more. I played it safe.

Fast forward 2 months, and it's time for another racing time goal attempt at the Indianapolis Monumental Marathon. I talk about the struggles of race day in another blog post, but the meta point is this -- I did exactly what I need to meet that day's objective, not because I thought I could, but because I thought I needed to try. I learned a couple of things that day, and one was that I had never really raced like that before. It was miserable at parts and for hours, LITERALLY HOURS, I was negotiating with myself to ignore the brain's messages to slow down and instead to KEEP GOING. In that time, I did NOT believe I had what it takes to run sub-3:30. I didn't, but I had to try anyway because I knew that there was time left on the table at my Boston Qualifying race, and I didn't believe I could do that either. Well, maybe I really haven't unlocked race pace yet, and maybe I can do things I hadn't even considered, I wondered. The next time goal was sub-3:30, so let's just see. LET'S JUST SEE.

TL;DR the other blog post - I nailed it.

Upon learning about my PR and achieving this often sought after, super cool marathon time-goal, my running friends were so proud of me!

"YOU DID IT!" my running partner said!

I objected, 'But it was a higher level of effort than I'm used to for racing. It was really challenging!'

"But you DID it!" she repeated.

'I don't own the identity of a sub-3:30 marathon runner yet' I confessed. 'If I wasn't there, I wouldn't believe that I did it.'

"You're gonna run 3:26 at Houston" she assured me (the guaranteed entry for New York Marathon, my next time goal).

'Oh, I don't know. Maybe I should train more before trying for that. I have time.' I hesitated.

"You're right there. You've set yourself up for success. You can do it. You DID IT. You're RIGHT THERE." she repeated.

I acquiesced, 'Ok, fine. I'll work on using the water stations and maybe try to run the tangents to pick up some more time. I've never really used any of the strategies for racing before, but I guess if I'm only shaving a little time, I need to learn how to do those things.'

Imposter syndrome. Even after having done it -- even while being applauded for the accomplishment, I objected and denied the achievement as my own as though my body and my persona occupied two different realities. Just like when running the marathon at a 7:54 pace/mile and listening to the negativity repeat 'you can't do this' when you're actively doing it! It's the voice in your head that tells you that you're too weak or your training hasn't prepared you, or you just 'aren't that kind of runner' or whatever message equals 'I'm just not enough.' It's debilitating at times, and it does NOT serve us to listen to these messages. We must actively fight against them. Can I run 7:49 pace/mile for guaranteed entry into the New York Marathon in January at the Houston Marathon? I guess we'll see...

So, we know imposter syndrome doesn't only apply to running already, but what I noticed recently is how similarly I feel about dating. My stats are fantastic, just like my training was precisely what was needed to achieve my goal.

But, do I think the perfect match is out there for me? To be honest, I have my doubts. Somehow, I imagine that either there's no one that seems right, OR the someone I find attractive will be attracted to a different type of woman...maybe one who doesn't write a blog about dating... Maybe one who likes to stay up late, or something equally cringe-worthy for me.

The point is that we create our own limits, and we then become our own biggest obstacle. If you believe in yourself and you put the hard work in, the sky's the limit.

This weekend is the Dallas Ultra Marathon; I'll be running the 50k distance which is a little intimidating for me. A guaranteed PR when I finish, this will be the longest race I've ever attempted. It will also be the most back-to-back races I've ever completed, my 4th marathon or greater distance in 4 months. My personal limits are still being established, and I'm here to push right up against them to see what happens. It's uncomfortable, but I'm getting used to that feeling.

Happy racing, friends!

Would you like to meet up while I'm in Dallas? DM me!

XOXO,

T